As most of you know, we are expecting our third child in June!! This time it is another boy, although we haven't yet come up with a name. Before and during this pregnancy, what I have been praying for is a HEALTHY baby that breastfeeds and gains weight well. For some of you, that may seem assumed or the breastfeeding part may seem unimportant, but after what we went through with our first two, that seems like an impossible dream for us.
As for why breastfeeding is so important to me. Breastfeeding has health benefits for both mom and baby, and it is a wonderful bonding experience. Before I had my children, I thought that all moms should breastfeed, and that it was natural so everyone should be able to do it. After having Anna, I realized how wrong I was!! Breastfeeding is sometimes easy, but many times it is very difficult. I learned that every mom has her breaking point, and that everyone's breaking point is different. I also learned that it is not my place to judge. As a pediatrician and friend, it is my job to encourage breastfeeding, and do what I can to help, but when the mom says she does not want to breastfeed or is at the point where she is ready to quit, that is when I need to step back and respect her decision. This is something that God taught me that I have been able to use in both my personal and professional life. If breastfeeding had been easy for me, I would still have that wrong perception that it should be easy for everyone. So, despite my disappointment and frustration with breastfeeding my first two, I have learned a very valuable lesson.
A little background on Anna and Will for all of you who don't know:
Anna was born 1/6/2005, and was healthy as far as we knew. Soon after we got home from the hospital, she started spitting up large amounts of milk multiples times after every feeding. When we went for her 1 week checkup, she was down a pound from her birthweight. We tried many, many things and still couldn't get her to gain weight appropriately. By 3 weeks, they told me that my milk probably didn't have enough calories (which I now know wasn't true). So, we started supplementing with formula. By 7 weeks, she still wasn't gaining weight. She was only a couple of ounces over her birthweight (normally, babies regain birthweight by 2 weeks at the latest and then gain about an ounce a day after that). So, we were way behind. Our pediatrician referred us to the gastroenterologist, who immediately put on her on 3 medications, a special formula, did an upper and lower endoscopy, and put her in the hospital for two nights. She also told me that Anna had a milk allergy, which meant that if I were going to continue breastfeeding that I would have to cut out all meat, milk, and anything made with milk. I tried for about a day and then realized that I couldn't do it. I couldn't worry every time Anna spit up about what I had eaten that had caused it. So, I quit and just put her on the special formula. From that point, she continued spitting up large amounts frequently, but gained enough weight to get by. We fought her reflux for about 18 months before it really went away. She is now a healthy, active 5 year old girl. We are very thankful that, although her health problems were very trying at the time, she is now completely healthy.
Will has a little different story. He was born 11/26/2007. We again thought we were having a healthy baby and that everything would go easier this time. This time I was again determined that I would successfully breastfeed for the entire first year. Well, we had no idea what was coming. Long story short, Will was very sick when he was born. He had a Congenital Diaphragmatic Hernia, which is a very serious condition – only half of these babies even survive to go home from the hospital. It is a condition that is very difficult to diagnose on ultrasound, most of them are found after birth. So, Will was diagnosed and transferred quickly after he was born, and was at Childrens Hospital in Birmingham (after a detour through USA in Mobile, and a jet ride) by the time he was 12 hours old. I was discharged about 5 hours after he was born, and was able to travel that night to Birmingham from Mobile. He spent 2 ½ weeks at Childrens and had 3 surgeries. It was a very stressful and exhausting time for all of us, but we are very blessed that Will not only survived but is a healthy active preschooler. This time, I breastfed for about 6 months, but because of his time in the NICU, it was very difficult and exhausting. It was definitely not the experience that I was hoping for. God has used this experience to mature me as a person and as a pediatrician. I now know what it is like to have a very sick baby in the NICU, so I can be a support to other moms going through the same thing in a little different way than if I had never been through it.
So, this time I have been praying for a healthy baby that feeds well and gains weight. Every time I prayed about this, I felt very selfish. Asking for a healthy baby seemed okay, but asking to be able to breastfeed this time and be successful with it seemed like I was asking too much. Not that God couldn't do it, but that I was being selfish to even ask. There are so many babies out there that aren't healthy, I should be happy just to have a healthy baby. I continued to pray, knowing that just because I was asking didn't mean it was going to happen. And knowing that although I would be disappointed if I couldn't breastfeed this time, just having a perfectly healthy baby would be a huge blessing.
As a pediatrician I have seen a lot of very sick kids, so I realize just how wonderful it is to have a healthy child. And I also realize that when children (or anyone for that matter) are hurt or injured, God has the ability to heal but may not choose to do so. He sees the whole big picture while we are just looking at this moment in time from our perspective. I have seen many families that pray believing that their child will be healed from a devastating illness or injury. While I know in my head that God CAN heal any of these, I also have seen enough to realize that just because we ask for it doesn't mean it will happen. Some of these families pray fervently and their children still die or remain seriously ill. Some of these families, though, do get to see miracles – and that is a wonderful thing to be a part of!! So when I pray for a healthy baby, I prayed realizing that just because I was asking didn't mean it was going to happen. God has a plan, and it isn't always what mine is.
Well, recently our pastor was doing a series on faith. I was having a really hard time processing all of this, because I so strongly believe God CAN but that doesn't mean that He WILL. How do you know when to believe that God will do what you ask, and when to just continue praying, hoping, and trusting that His will is best?? I have a really hard time when I hear people pray for something and just assume that God will do it. I have seen that happen many times and then God for some reason chooses not to do what we ask.
One morning, Scott's special music was "You Can't Ask Too Much of My God". The song tells the story of many times in the Bible where God did the impossible. God spoke to me that morning, and told me that He loves me and that asking for a healthy baby that breastfeeds and gains weight isn't asking too much. To me and Joey, it may seem all but impossible after what we have been through, but it is no problem for Him. Since then, I have had a peace that this baby is going to be healthy and everything is going to go well. I am a worrier, so a peace like this has to be from Him. There is no way that I could have such a peace on my own. When we went for our ultrasound, I wasn't even concerned. I knew that it was going to be normal, because that is what God promised me. And in the last couple of weeks, I have become aware of three babies who died before they were even born. If I didn't have this peace from God, I would be a nervous wreck right now worried that this would happen to my baby.
Some of you may ask – how do you know that it was God speaking and not just something you came up with? Well, I am not really sure how to answer that. It was very clear to me, and I believe that it was God speaking to me. Since then, each time I have begun to doubt, it is like He speaks to my soul and gives me peace again. It still makes me very nervous to share my story, because I still have moments when I think – well, maybe it was just me and not Him that day. And I don't want to decrease someone's faith if I tell this story and then something is wrong with the baby. Although as I am writing this, it is hard for me to even write the phrase "wrong with the baby" because I believe so completely that God has promised this to me, and He will do it. This peace that I have is beyond all understanding.
I have also been reading through my Bible starting in Genesis. I came to the story of Abraham and Sarah, where God promised them a baby even though they were too old to conceive. Even though Sarah didn't believe him, and tried to do things her way, God did what he promised, even though it seemed impossible. Next was the story of Isaac and Rebekah who was barren. God promised a son to her, and He delivered as He promised (he gave her twin boys!!). God was showing me through His Word that He can and will do things that seem impossible. How do you explain that I was at that point in Genesis when this was all going on with me???
Even though God has spoken to me about this situation, I still know that there will be times that I and others will pray about something, and not always get what we ask. I believe that God wants us to come to Him and ask, and that at times He will grant us those things, while other times He may not. Just like with my children, it is important for them to communicate things to me. I may not always say yes to their requests, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't ask. Sometimes there are things that I might not have done or given to them had they not asked, but am willing to do if they will just ask me with the right attitude. Now I realize that God knows our thoughts and desires, even if we don't ask, but He wants us to communicate with Him and tell Him.
Since God made the promise to me that this baby will be healthy and everything will go well, I felt guilty each time I continued asking Him for something that He had already told me yes about. When I get to that part on my prayer list, I now thank Him for what He is going to do instead of asking Him to do it.
God laid this on my heart to write a couple of months ago, but I have been putting it off and not doing it for a couple of reasons. For one, I am not a writer and wasn't sure I could express all this on paper. Second, like I said earlier, Satan still attacks me at times saying that I am just making this all up, it wasn't God, and that something is going to be wrong this time too. Third, because this is so personal that it is difficult for me to share with anyone. But I have finally gotten past all that and put it on paper. I hope that this, in some way, helps someone. I am not sure how it might, but God put it on my heart for a reason.
